“I can’t say that!” Yes, you can. Sara Hickman and Rhi Baxter of the We Are BRAVE training consultancy, provide advice on how to have BRAVE Conversations
‘I can’t say that!’ is a statement we hear regularly when it refers to having difficult conversations or raising issues with a colleague, a manager or a client (even friends & family). Why? Quite simply we worry that what we have to say may come across as too challenging or that we won’t be clear and as a result it might make the situation worse.
Here’s what we believe to be true; most people don’t go into conversations to upset the other person we’d much rather speak in a way that helps us be heard and understood. Yes, there are always exceptions but in our experience most people want a conversation to go well.
As discussed in our last article*, at We Are Brave we encourage people to see conversations with a positive and constructive mindset – to remember it’s a dance floor not a boxing ring. Speaking up (but doing it well) is an act of bravery and an act of kindness. Adam Grant’s quote underpins this idea: ‘People speak honestly to help you do better tomorrow. Candor is an act of care.’
Sound good? Once we’ve decided we want to raise something in our next conversation and we’ve accepted it’s a good thing to tell the other person (an act of care), the next question is: ‘HOW do I have the conversation?’.
The answer is a process of: Structure + Discipline + Skill
- Why Structure? Well, our mantra is “Structure gives Confidence” (trust us, it’s true)
- Why Discipline? It’s needed before and during a conversation to ensure it stays on track
- Why Skill? This may be stating the obvious but you need good interpersonal skills during any conversation (with friend or foe).
Let’s break this process down into some simple steps.
Step 1: Fair chance, fair warning
- People respond better when they know about a conversation in advance. It helps to overcome the fight-flight-freeze reaction.
- Tell them what you want to discuss as clearly as possible so they have time to think about the topic. For example “I’d like to discuss how we come to decisions on a critical recommendation” rather than “I want to talk about our last conversation”.
- When we say fair warning, we mean more than 5 minutes – it should be at least 24 hours.
Step 2: Do your own thinking & preparation
- Give yourself some time to gather your key points and any reasoning or evidence.
- Double-check your intentions and your thinking. Ask yourself: ‘Am I raising this to help?’ or ‘Do I just want to win’?” Again, remember this is a conversational dance floor not a boxing ring.
- Preparation isn’t about second guessing yourself it’s about holding yourself to account and trying to get some objectivity. Objectivity is something that often leaves us if we’re in that pesky fight-flight-freeze mode and it will derail us and the conversation.
- Consider what their point of view might be and adjust your notes accordingly. It’s OK to stretch your thinking, it doesn’t mean it’s the truth it’s simply giving you a chance to think better.
- Here’s the first bit of discipline: Write it all down! Accept that you will not remember your points in the moment no matter how good you think you are. All good conversations happen with conscious effort and making notes is that effort.
An extra tip: Practice!
At We Are BRAVE we enable you to experiment and practice difficult things. We know it’s so much easier to speak up in a conversation if you have said the words a number of times before your meeting. The written word is different to the spoken word so say it out loud. Say it to a mirror, talk it through with a trusted friend, your dog or cat – whatever works for you!
Step 3: Show discipline & skill
- Set a time limit to the discussion and stick to it. The quality of a conversation is not in direct proportion to the time spent on it.
- If needed, take a break – either a whole day or at least 10 minutes.
- LISTEN as well as SPEAK. Ensure each person has the time to be heard – this is a critical skill
- Use expressions like “I’ll describe what happened for me and then I’m interested to hear from you”.
Step 4: Skilful Summaries
- Continually note where you agree for example “I didn’t realise we thought the same on that” or “it’s great to know we see it in a similar way”.
- Ensure you are clear on what’s happening after the conversation and who is responsible for any actions. Take the time to clarify as this is often where we lose momentum.
- Say thank you: it goes a long way to recognise the effort someone has put into conversation and that thankyou will make the next chat feel a little easier.
The BRAVE process: Structure + Discipline + Skill
We know for many of you reading this article elements of this process will be an unconscious competence. You may be responding with “Well, I already do that” to which we say “great” and we strongly recommend you now do more. Take steps to make it a conscious choice for each difficult conversation – don’t leave it to luck, create the luck.
For those of you who see this process as brand-new we encourage you to have a go. We know that BRAVE conversations do not feel comfortable but we promise you by adding structure, being disciplined and honing your interpersonal skills you will begin relax into what you need to say rather than worry about how to say it. To borrow the words of Luvvie Ajayi-Jones, you can start to ‘get comfortable with being uncomfortable’.
Use these tips in your next conversation and we’ll change “I can’t say that!” to “I know how to say that” and who knows what great things might happen!
If you’re interested in learning more about how our BRAVE methodology gives you Structure + Discipline + Skill, listen to our interview on the LIBF paraplanner podcast** or visit our website www.wearebrave.co.uk
* Discussion on the dance floor: How can you communicate better?
** https://www.libf.ac.uk/news-and-insights/news/detail/2022/04/26/how-to-have-challenging-conversations-with-advisers-(the-paraplanner-series-ep.30)
This article was first published in the November 2022 issue of Professional Paraplanner.
