In their second article for Professional Paraplanner, Sara Hickman and Rhi Baxter of the We Are BRAVE training consultancy, look at how people can assess their approach to create better conversations
Do you find it hard to get your voice heard or are you the one who dominates a meeting? Do you know how to speak ‘up’ and how to speak ‘down’? Does it even matter?
In the overall financial planning process, it really matters. Better discussions lead to better customer outcomes.
When discussions work well, when we contribute (speak ‘up) and when we listen (speak ‘down’), we leave meetings better informed and with a personal sense of achievement. The latter is not only good personally but is key to help teams avoid the current phenomenon of ‘silent quitting’.
Too often we pay attention to what we want to say but not necessarily how we have the discussion.
Think about a conversational dance floor. When you’re chatting with your friends there is a dance happening: you make space for each other, you contribute in time to the music, you might even do things to encourage each other such as smiling at their (hilarious) dance moves. There’s a possibility you may take the floor for a while when you bring out your signature move (Caterpillar, anyone?) but at some point you know it’s time to step back and let someone else have their turn.
These dance moves are critical conversational skills: listening, contributing appropriately, encouraging each other, taking up space when needed, allowing others their turn.
So, why is it hard to translate these skills to more challenging work discussions? Well, it appears we forget the art of the dance.
We know that can be for a number of reasons; maybe you’re just not interested in what that person has to say, maybe you (occasionally) do it on purpose because the relationship is damaged? In our experience it can be as simple as a preference for how you contribute. That ‘how’ is a preference and it can increase in strength when a conversation involves a level of disagreement and therefore a level of discomfort. We are simply not comfortable with being uncomfortable and as a result, certain communication characteristics jump forward and take us by surprise because we’re out of our comfort zone: the skills we subconsciously rely on during a friendly conversational dance, will leave us high and dry when it gets more difficult.
You can read our article on comfort zones, Being brave to grow, in the September issue of Professional Paraplanner and on the website.
WHERE TO START?
Step 1: Identify the preference
The first place to start is self-awareness. Take a moment and see if you can identify your behaviours in any of the following characteristics.
When in discussion;
- You actively share your knowledge and ideas with others: you may be one of the first to speak
- You find yourself saying a lot as it helps you clarify your thinking: you might describe it as thinking outside of your head
- When you speak, it’s not always a final decision or conclusion: though people sometimes mistake it for that
- You worry about or dislike the silence (and often fill it)
Or, when in discussion;
- You pay close attention when others are talking: you may be one of the last to speak
- You find yourself thinking a lot to get words in order before speaking: you might have full conversations inside your head
- When you speak, it’s often when your ideas are fully formed: in general you do not contribute ‘top of head’ responses
- Silence is helpful as you can hear your thoughts more clearly: people sometimes mistake it for no contribution or a lack of interest
In our experience, if you identify more with the first set of characteristics you are likely to speak ‘up’ more in conversations. If it is the second set, you are likely to have a preference to speak ‘down’.
What does that mean for me?
Speaking ‘up’ is a great skill. You are likely to express yourself in meetings and be comfortable with getting your point across. However, on the flip side you may dominate discussions and leave no space for others to contribute. You may also place less value on the speak ‘down’ preference: expecting immediate responses rather than allowing time for reflection, perhaps misunderstanding reflection for a lack of contribution.
Speaking ‘down’ is a great skill. You are likely to listen to others and process information before you add to the discussion, making sure your input is well-considered. However, on the flipside you may wait for others to start a discussion and if they don’t, you may leave without having contributed. You may also place less value on the speak ‘up’ preference: waiting for them to make space for you and perhaps misunderstanding their energy for a lack of consideration.
WHAT CAN I DO?
Step 2: Own it: yes, all of it.
Our strongest recommendation is not to change the brilliance that comes with your preference but to become aware of the impact of that flipside.
Like that signature dance move, own it and be proud of it and at the same time take steps to ensure you don’t inadvertently kick your friends in the shins.
Remember, it’s highly likely that you do some of these things quite naturally during comfortable conversations. It’s when we get uncomfortable that we need to take conscious steps to work with our preference.
For those who speak ‘up’ more naturally, actively take steps to speak ‘down’
- Ask a trusted person in your meetings to nudge you verbally: ask them to say “we’ve not heard from everyone yet” as a gentle reminder
- Take a back seat: let others speak first or if that’s not possible ask a question and write down what they say first rather than responding verbally
- When you ask a question, add the statement “it’s OK if you want to reflect on this first” or “let’s take a few minutes to reflect before we go any further”
- Make it explicit when you’re organising your thoughts outside your head as it helps people to know what they need to pay attention to. For example say “this is my first thinking, not my final conclusion” or “I need to say this to get it clear in my head”
For those who speak ‘down’ more naturally, actively take steps to speak ‘up’
- Ask a trusted person in your meetings to nudge you verbally: ask them to say “I know (Sara) has some thoughts to add”
- Actively contribute even if it feels as though you’re interrupting: be prepared to jump in and say “I’d like to add my thoughts to this discussion” or if you’re missed out “I did not have a chance to add my point of view”
- If you are asked a question and you’re not certain of your response state you need time to reflect first. If pushed, you can always respond with a caveat for example: “this is not my full answer” or “I’m only 50% sure about this”
- When you speak ‘up’, make it explicit that you have spent time thinking about your contribution so it can be weighted appropriately in the discussion. For example “I have spent time considering this” or “this is not a top-of-head response”
Above all else, remember it’s a dance floor not a boxing ring. Think of these techniques as helping the flow of the conversation, helping how it happens not just focussing on what is being discussed. You are creating space, not kicking shins.
WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
Step 3: Remember the purpose
These techniques are not about changing you, it’s about better conversations.
Speaking with confidence, clarity and vision is key to better discussions and making space for those discussions is everyone’s responsibility.
We know that better discussions lead to well-informed decision-making and the skills to speak ‘up’ and speak ‘down’ are critical to this process.
In the end, regardless of our roles, the purpose of better conversations is to achieve quality financial outcomes.
You can learn more about how to SPEAK bravely on the We Are Brave LinkedIn page or website. www.wearebrave.co.uk
This article was first published in the October 2022 issue of Professional Paraplanner.
